Barn culture and trainers…The Journey.

Navigating the “equestrian world“ has been quite the learning curve over the years. My 13yo daughter has been riding in the hunters discipline for 6 years, showing etc. We have been to 4 different barns. The first one we chose on a whim, not knowing if our then 6yo would even like it. It was more of a drop in type, lead line, lead by other kids. All fun, but not real formal lessons at the time. We stayed for about a year, riding twice a month, but never advancing past a walk/post. It suited our needs at that time, but she wanted more. The second one, we thought was our forever barn. We were there for 4 years. It was well known, large, indoor/outdoor, 5 instructors, lessons booked every 30 minutes, 50 horses on property. A little bit of a hot mess because it was so busy, but she was advancing faster than she had been and at least she finally got to tack her own pony…even if it was learned on our own. We got to know the horses and a handful of kids…we developed a love for them and close friendships. After about a year, now walk/trotting crossrails, I started noticing things. When I had questions for the trainer, there was no time to discuss things, neither before/after due to time constraints. I tried emailing the questions …only to find they went to a group email address, and random people would respond with no real answer. I had basic questions, like whats the plan? When will she start cantering? How can she show? What’s next? What should she focus on? All fell on deaf ears. Mind you, she was riding 3 days a week, for a solid year. We were shewed off, and noticed only the squeaky wheel or those that were in the friend circle got to ride the “free” lesson ponies in shows or advance. How could we advance? We offered to help at the barn, volunteer to assist with things, etc but we’re always told no. They didn’t seem to like it when I continued to press on about the plan and her future. We didn’t want to leave, because again …attachment and fear of the unknown. Finally, I got smart, well, I thought, turns out I was a sucker …money talks. I asked if they had any leases, and if we leased, could she show or advance? Finally a response. Why YES!! We have “this pony” for $795/month, half lease, 3 rides a week, but 2 of those must be lessons, which aren’t included ($50/lesson x 8 a month). So now we were up to $1200 a month. But …we did it! We wanted “IN”…finally she was getting attention from the trainers, and over another year she obviously fell in love with her pony, and learned to w/t/c crossrails and was allowed to show. However, we had to learn ALL of the horsemanship ourselves through friends and clinics. She ended up showing that next year, we thought it would be magical, but in reality it was not. They only allowed her to show in the very basic w/t flat, even though she was now coursing 2’ jump courses. But, we agreed! The barns they take over at the shows, were jam packed, 30 stalls (accessed from the outside of opposite sides)…not a trainer in sight, because only 2 attend, and they are at the rings. There were novice kids and parents alike (the lucky ones), who had never even tacked before or been to a show, filling an entire outside row with lesson ponies …no direction or what to do. We were jammed in the middle, and being the nice helpers we are, helped everyone, we never minded. It was great fun for my daughter, feeling like the big kid. We started noticing that when we would walk by the “other side” of our barn, we would get strange looks…like “who are you?”! Then it dawned on me, WE KNEW THEM, but THEY DIDN‘T KNOW US! My daughter had been gazing up at these older girls in aww for years now, hoping she could be just like them…that’s all she ever wanted. She knew all of their names and their horses names. They left a huge impression on her little heart. I also started noticing that the trainers kept calling me by my formal name, not the name everyone else calls me…oh yeah, that’s what’s on my bill statement and credit card. Hmmm. This is when I learned what “Barn Culture” and “Barn Drama” was about. Here we thought we were now part of something, part of a group, finally belonged, but in reality, we were just a number. That’s when the last show took place …and it WAS the LAST show. The trainers had assigned us a different stall for some reason, on the “other side”…it was going to be an awesome show. We settled her pony into her stall the night before and arrived at the crack of dawn the next day as usual for a great day. When we arrive, we were confronted by another show mom, who I knew, but didn’t know me. She was yelling at my daughter and I about how we were 15 minutes late, and my daughters pony was “starving”, that she had to do all the work and we have no clue how to take

care of a pony, etc. I told her as calmly as possible that she was very taken care of, we have been taking care of her for a year, we know what to do and we settled her in last night, etc but thank you, etc. But when you don’t know someone, and you assume they just “show up” like the rest of the random riders on the “otherside”, who don’t know anything …you get burnt out from doing all the work…and this momma that I was confronted by, was feeling it. Can’t say I blame her, but we didn’t deserve the wrath and she wouldn't stop. My daughter was in tears, she needed to focus on getting ready and mentally focused on going into the ring in less than an hour, so it wasn’t a good situation, nor did I think it was fair. I texted the trainers, to see if someone could assist and explain. Unfortunately, I was met with “we can’t be taken away from our other clients just to attend to your needs”. We sucked it up and persevered the day, turned lemons into lemonade, found our happy, finished the show with a ribbon and went home.

The next morning, I awoke to an e-mail from the owner of the barn (not a trainer), stating that “She can see that they are not a great fit for our needs, and we should look elsewhere for a barn. They are terminating the lease and our relationship. Come pick up your things. Do not return.” My daughter never got to say goodbye to her pony, any of the horses, and she had to tell her friends that she couldn’t be there any longer. 4 years of an extremely impressionable time of her life destroyed, left in the hands of a group of humans to be toyed with, leaving her with pain, depression, confusion and now soured to the one thing that made her happy …horses. It’s been a LONG road since this incident. The 3rd and 4th …a year of healing and finding her happy again. Now with armor on, wisdom, and a keen sense for kindness…we searched. We found an amazing start up barn, with an incredible owner/trainer who’s SOLID motto is “ONLY POSITIVITY”! She is well rounded in teaching many disciplines, the correct way, and horsemanship is a mandatory class once a week. She also doesn’t believe in trainer EGO‘s, and that you can learn something from each trainer. Can we say yay!!!! She had to relearn many bad habits to advance, but the quality of the advances was incredible. There are only about 20 riders in total so far at this barn, and only a handful of lesson horses, but guess what? We KNOW her, her husband, her dogs, her life…we KNOW the other riders and parents and actually “talk” about things. It has been mind blowing for us. Because we didn’t know what we didn’t know!!

The friendships she made at her last barn have now fizzled out, due to the pain of the memories and separation of barns. We tried. So there was still a big part missing from her heart…

This lead us to barn #4…her “show barn”, as we call it. She still regularly rides at barn #3 and we have become like family there, but that barn focuses on the well rounded rider and isn’t a “show chaser”...and my daughter wants shows and the whole kit-n-caboodle that goes with it!

Barn #4…the fun, the team, the shows!

We knew immediately that this was her barn. The first thing the owner/trainer said was …EVERYONE GETS TO SHOW!! EVEN IF WE SHARE HORSES! The second thing she said was, we only do positivity here. And final…NO EGO here! Done.

It’s set up so the riders have private lessons and group team lessons, with like riders. Her first group team lesson, was the biggest breathe of fresh air we have ever had. Greeted with introductions, welcome hugs, girls pulling her to show her things, and who the horses are…they tacked up with laughter and rode with laughter. They each used words of encouragement during riding and gave positive feedback. I chatted with parents on the sideline, knew names, got phone numbers. The barn had a family Christmas party, we all enjoyed the company and bonding …something I had asked several times to plan at barn #2 (picnic, games, anything). My daughter has a new group of friends, is beaming with joy again and her LOVE for all things equestrian has returned. She wants to spend time at the barn and feels like she’s a part of something She has goals and we have full on personal discussions with her trainers about things. Shows are a together thing, we all work together, and know each other. It’s mind blowing to me looking back at the time we wasted at barn #2…but maybe it was so we could find our sweet spot? Maybe that’s what it takes? We’ve earned our place and are better for it now. We are grateful. If I can give any advice for new equestrian moms …don’t stay because you’re afraid of change...if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.